Have you ever wondered what you use to damage your heart and yourself? Well if the answer was yes, I know how you feel. There are days when I really reflect on the things I have done or things I feel like have happened and they shouldn’ t have and well sometimes I wonder why I even go through with some of the actions. Its like if you don’t care about yourself who in the hell will. I have let tons of people step on me like a doormat and not once really and truly stuck up for myself and followed through with what I truly wanted. Its sickening. I know I have honestly done this my entire life all beginning with how I let my real dad treat me when I know I should have spoken up for myself. At any moment I can tell my Mom how I truly feel and how she has hurt me, but never once have I ever really and truly told my Dad how I honestly feel. To this day I haven’t ever really explained to him who I am or what I have done. Every night when I lay down and go to sleep I think about what he would do if he really knew who I was, what I really believe in, and what I have become to be. I am honestly terrified that he wouldn’t want to be involved in my life anymore. There is no hope between him and I, I feel like. Over the years I continuously try and cover the pain with drugs, alcohol, and boys. Basically a downward spiral I know I am throwing myself on. You always wonder if there will ever find a time where you catch yourself before you fall again. I guess this time and like every time I realize who I truly am, I become saddened because the one man in my life that I constantly look approval from, I will never receive. No matter how hard I try, or how much I want him to accept me, I know he never truly will. I will one day be okay, and one day I won’t have to receive his approval anymore. Its just my one constant battle I will continue to fight until I learn there really is no battle with him only within myself. Until I really feel like I can only be myself including my wrongs and rights I will continue to be upset with myself. I just hope reading all of this someone some where realizes they are not alone with not feeling accepted and loved. Feeling as if the world is against them. In reality no one is against you, they are against what you have grown up to be or who you are. If those people can’t learn to love you or care for you for what you really are then hell with them. Even though I haven’t began to fully recover everything I have encountered and been through all these years, I will not give up on myself or my life. I will continue to fight daily and make my dreams come true. I will make something of myself and I am determined to be a true Cinderella story. I believe in who read this and took it to the heart, just believe in yourself and your strength and you will be able to accomplish anything you truly set your mind to.
Sincerely, The never ending dreamer.
